A Dad’s temporary vacation from Kids (They’re having a sleepover)
===============================================
I woke up this morning thinking, “I can sleep.”
The kids are gone. I can sleep.
I CAN SLEEP!!!!
Whoohooo!!
Wait…
I can sleep.
There are no kids.
Whoohoo.
Whoohoo?
What?
There are no kids.
Then, I realized.
…sadly.
There are no kids.
There are no kids.
Nothing.
Silence.
Kendal isn’t waking me with her little voice, softly “Dayad – I’m hungwee foe my break-fast.”
Evan isn’t laying next to me, shoving his feet under my legs, with his razor sharp toe nails slicing my thighs.
Evan isn’t annoying Kendal.
Kendal isn’t yelling, “EVAAAAN….”
They’re not laying next to me, contently watching yet another episode of Songebob.
They’re not arguing who gets to lay next to me. (At which point I lazily point out that there are two sides of me, and I can scootch to the middle of the bed)
Nobody is yelling. Nobody is upset. Nobody is arguing.
Nobody is here.
There is nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nothing but silence.
Nothing but Emptiness.
Complete and total Emptiness.
How can I possibly sleep?
Nothing is here.
No purpose.
I feel an odd loss.
A waste of life.
EMPTY.
EMPTY.
EMPTY.
Of course, the kids are at Dave’s for the night, and I should be so happy that I can sleep in.
But, instead, I immediately think of my parents and my grandparents – what they went through. And then, I think of my sweet Aunt Donna (who recently had her 3 kids leave the nest and had a massive depression result.)
….this is how they wake up EVERY morning.
This is how they woke up that FIRST morning — but it was REAL for them. Not some vacation.
This morning is a vacation for me.
My kids are coming back. They’re coming back today.
Hell, I can go get them right fucking now. ( I just might. )
But not them.
Not my parents, my grandparents, nor my sweet Aunt Donna.
Their kids are gone.
Gone forever.
They wake up to silence.
Silence, every day.
They wake up to EMPTINESS
…and live the emptiness, the loss, the waste — for the entire day. They live with it — every moment of their lives.
What a blast of my future.
What a reality check.
You better enjoy what you have — while you have it.
Then, you better figure out what the fuck you want to be when you grow up, because your reality will always change.
When the kids grow up, you better.
So, when it’s time to grow up, again….
Miss the kids.
It’s understandable.
That’s been your life.
Miss every moment they brought you joy.
Miss every moment you watched them grow.
..but don’t be sad.
…for long.
{ 3 comments }
